Journal

October 19

WHERE DID THIS MOTHERFUCKING THOUGHT COME FROM I SAW IT I SAW IT THE FIRST TIME THE FIRST POSSIBILITY I WAS THERE AND I NOTICED AND I KNEW IT WAS THE FIRST TIME AND I THOUGHT ABOUT IT BECAUSE OF ANNE I THINK AND NOW. IT. IS. BACK. DOES THIS MOTHERFUCKING SCHOOL MATTER DOES ANYTHING MAKE ME FUCKING HAPPY I HATE THIS STUPID FUCKING COUNTRY and now the weather

October 18

Fall break, forever. This room that room rooms rooms rooms

October 12

It's been a while. This is a time of upheavals? I feel differently about some of the people around me... I'm worried about entering my exact thoughts into the permanent record so I'll simply hope I remember in the future what these feelings are. I read a book today and I got many more books from the library. I haven't worked almost at all and I'm not sure what that's a sign of. I'm waiting for a vacation and relaxing permanently the moment I leave a classroom. There's some tension there, and I feel if I don't resolve it I'll drop down to a default cruise through the rest of the term that I don't want. At least I'm not super worried anymore about being unknown and being alone. Reia asked today what happened that untangled my thoughts, and I don't know exactly. Hearing them and being told that they're ridiculous, or knowing that what you're doing is ridiculous, helps.

I'm spending my after-dinners in my room. I like it here. Being calm is important for having good conversations, and having good conversations is important for being happy, and wasting time is important for being calm. I like talking and I like the slowness of the game. Thinking about it too much will make me nervous and want it to come faster. But I am learning German, I am learning things I like, and things will work out. These are my promises. I will do my best to keep them.

October 7

The day of the Oceanography midterm has come, and the day wasn't terrible at all. I did not expect such comfortable soft. I thought the Crocs essay would be really taxing, too, but I managed to tackle it quickly and well. When I study in advance, while leaving final-detail studying to the last second, I feel calm. I'll try that more often. I finally put songs on Instagram again, and it felt relieving to be known and seen.

Throughout the day I bounced around lots of nice people, too: I liked the Frasery walk and roomtour with Reia, and also lunch with Maddox & The Sponsor Group, who was just the boy and the girl and they're both clever and quick and I love the velocity. With Gal·la now, working and thinking and talking. It's awesome to match so well. Friends.

Thinking now, there's lots of cute stuff that happened too. Flora called for a second and I spoke to my own sponsor group people and I sat with Haakon and the lunch buddies. Plenty. Friends!

October 3

I called Dominik in the morning and had brunch with Luisa and Meli. I went back to bed afterwards... I dreamt about Aiden and mixing and singing Starships in a circle. Yesterday was nice too: I went to the Broad with Leandre and Isaac, and we had delicious ramen. Togetherfun is best. Reading, now.

October 1

I slept a lot, a lot. It was important, too, because it's a busy day today and I'm glad I'm not sleepwalking through it. When I woke up I was disappointed that I couldn't spend the night with friends... the time will come.

September 30

Eventful days! I've been staying up very late with Ethan, and it's been a nice shared space. I am listening to Ellie talk to students about existentialism, and it's a bit distracting, but I'll carry on. I've been thinking about old Youtube, and creation, and dedication; I wrote to Antonia and I wrote that writing in the margins of a book is owning it and using it as a vessel for good ideas; sort of scaffolding towards original thoughts. What does that mean? Why are all these things coming together? Are they? If I'm noticing it, it must be. Or, if I'm noticing it, it's probably valuable to think about it more. It seems like friends become friends quickly, and quiet exchanges and mysterious disinterest does not play a role here very much. Our San Francisco fall break plan fizzled but that's okay: other opportunities will come. The value is, after all, in having met Haakon and Hazel and having found that they'd also like to spend time with me. (accusative I)

I've been thinking about what here means, and what creating means, and where I choose to absorb knowledge from. The guiding principle, I feel, is that there is always enough time. That pushes me to do better. I feel I think about this all the time and so maybe thinking about it is more of an idle entertainment than a path of discovery. I decided, weakly, to not click around on Google or Hacker News too much - after I found sadgrl's ideas on surfing the web I thought I'd try it out. Maybe I was already following the spirit, unconsciously...

Talking is nice but there is something idle about it. I don't feel new. Am I talking to the wrong people? I don't think so; today I spoke with Reia about baseline happy and perhaps this is a sign, like earthquake waves. I also feel tired. Does everyone feel tired all the time? How do we, they, survive without naps?

September 28

All the things I haven't done, all the movies I don't really want to watch anymore. Where does the time go? And does it matter?

I've been in college, meeting friends and wandering and snuggling into bed... that's what I like to do. This is a good place for me. I'm surprised how much I resonate with the people here and how much I seem to dislike people from elsewhere. That comes with every community, of course, but it feels like this place is a good fit for me. Given how much I intensely disregarded any notion of fit when applying, I feel super lucky. It seems like this was not a guaranteed outcome at all. Being accepted wasn't guaranteed, either, and I've been more self conscious of how that could might have not been all my work. Was I really the best? I want to be taken on my own merits. Still, I feel I'm surrounded by people like me. If I'm not the best, we're not the best, and I can live with that.

I've been thinking about Neil Cicierega and Laurie Anderson. The two big ones, it seems. I spoke with Maddox about the sense of wonder that comes with understanding all the discrete parts of something and still experiencing beauty from all of them interacting together. I feel this is something Hofstadter mentions, but I can't say for sure. Raya said that I didn't talk much about the book, so I probably didn't like it. But I think it shaped me indirectly, or at least, inspired me to think about things I like myself. I hope, at least. It took time to read.

Coincidentally, the image of my RBC room in quiet orange light with the book and my soft bedsheets brings a very homey feeling. I like the shadows. I like the scent. I like the silence. This creaky bed does not move me in the same way.

July 24

Haikus done. I've been writing my diary on paper.

July 21

It was always going to happen. I abandon diaries all the time and this was of course no exception. I wish I had a way to be more constant, but sometimes there isn't much to say and there is no reason really to write it down, or that's what it feels like. I honestly hope I continue doing this, but I don't think it makes me happier the way I thought it would. So this might be the unfortunate end.

July 8

I'm really not sure what happened this week or why it bled through so quickly. Tuesday was the top day. IB results came out and I was out with friends. My sleep schedule has been funky, too. Not sure if it shifted forwards or backwards. All I know is something changed.

Today I read more of Politics of Friendship. It's definitely not easy. Still, I'm happy I picked it up again. I like the way thoughts bubble up slightly over a couple of days during summer, and on days like today I have the chance to bring it all together and carry out a small act.

Besides that, my internet usage is becoming unpleasant again, and I'm filling the time with lukewarm drift. Missions that support nobody and lead nowhere. Maybe I need to meet friends.

I'm remembering now nice things that I spoke about with Sophie. I was able to phrase the idea of forgotten memories quite nicely and how having definite bookends in time helped me gain confidence in what other people think about me. We spoke about speaking, learning, the reason for hanging out. There's a space between thinking something and creating something that I lounge around in a lot; now that I located it I hope that interesting paths open up.

Finally, I spoke with Cubas about friends and unhappiness. It was a nice frame for my progression this year that I hadn't noticed; it also helps explain some of my recent friendship troubles. I think I need to talk to others about it, but I should be careful. Calling my friends ill and depressed isn't very clever. I'm also scared that it induces me to pivot away from people that I love and that love me back. Isn't that what it's all about?

July 4

Busy day, or busier than last yesterday at least. I hope I can keep that up.

I woke up late, had breakfast, helped out a little and then we visited some friends. Just that takes up the whole day. Much sweeter than staying home.

July 3

Drove around with mom, went to stores. But I can't remember much. What did I do in the afternoon? I was definitely not reading.

July 2

Didn't sleep well. Last night's teenage friendship dramas took hold, I think. But it's blurry.

I declared today an internet day, but I don't think I did much of anything. I went out to pick up the book I'd left behind last night and time vaporized. Now it's late and I'm not sure what happened. That's alright too.

The oscillating wave of inspiration has dropped, I can feel it. I hope it doesn't last long... otherwise I'll finish the summer with a giant unfinished reading list.

July 1

I forgot my dream this morning. Weird. Yesterday it was extremely vivid.

Very energetic day. I explored the city with my friend. People are so alive! There's much more out there. I'd forgotten that trends exist outside of Pinterest and America. It was a lot like clicking through Neocities; expression and love that is displayed without judgement or mean pride. I went up to the sightseeing deck, and it's absolutely breathtaking. That's one of the sure-fire ways to fall in love with a city.

Afterwards, I rode the subway and visited another friend for the evening. I was very proud of proactively buying beer and drinks; when I was just a few minutes away, they called me asking to stop buy some. Always ready.

I hadn't felt this emergent energy of being in a group for a while. It's lovely! Plus I felt truly appreciated, unlike other times that I've met groups. I wasn't a visitor here, I was a core friend. Somehow, both of today's adventures were great precisely because they made me feel part of something.

I loved stumbling back home at night. Richard Hawley.

June 30

New phone really delivered. It feels snappy and fun.

I wish I could do more in the mornings! Over summer I've gotten used to doing nothing and getting up really late. The morning routine solution isn't as powerful an incentive as it used to be, and the TV show I was watching is now over. I'll think of a way to make mornings more interesting.

This thought has gone hand in hand with seeing, once again, that Hacker News isn't showing me anything I really like. I can't remember the articles I read this morning except for one about Amazon and Cliff Stoll. Fun, but not worth the time it sucks away from real contact. Just a news cycle.

I had a nice walk out for the bit when it wasn't raining, but I didn't plan for the weather and my hoodie got sweaty. I didn't think it'd be that warm.

I had a nice day with some little cleanup tasks. I made lemon water for lunch which is always great; I helped my mom clean out her desk and workspace; I worked on coalescing my online accounts on my new phone; and I started the backup process for migrating my pictures off Google Photos.

I'm very happy about journaling. It's helping me remember a lot, and now I feel like my days are more exciting than before, even if I do about the same amount of stuff.

June 29

Changed phones! I swapped mine for my mother's older work phone. I finally have a usable front camera, and hopefully the battery isn't as terrible as I had grown used to. I'll miss the headphone jack, though...

Doing the migration was quite terrible, especially because of my giant whatsapp backup. I had to settle for deleting a bunch of files and pictures. Overall, though, there's a great feeling to having new things. I wish I could help it.

In other news, I messed around with the style of my journal and I think I'm finally happy with it. Now I just have to find motivation to keep working on the other subsections of the site. Working on this has kept me busy and entertained; even if it's not particularly great work, I find that it keeps my thoughts spinning and I feel like I'm finding more ways to inject creativity into daily tasks. I hope this feeling stays.

June 28

I worked on the website all day today. My obsesiveness gets in the way very often... I don't think I'm a good web designer.